


Reflections

by angelskuuipo



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst, Early Work, GFY, Gen, Pining, Spoilers for Abyss, Spoilers for Meridian, spoilers for the movie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-10
Updated: 2014-06-10
Packaged: 2018-02-04 02:07:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1762539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelskuuipo/pseuds/angelskuuipo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>I made a mess of everything, even my death.</i> ~ Edmond Rostand // Cyrano de Bergerac</p><p>Daniel reflects.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Reflections

**Author's Note:**

> Unbetaed. Any and all mistakes are mine.
> 
> Originally posted 6-24-06.

~*~*~*~*~*~

_I made a mess of everything, even my death._ That’s a quote from Cyrano de Bergerac. It’s also quite apt to my current situation. I really screwed up. Okay, yeah, I saved an entire planet from a nuclear winter, but why did I do it?

I mean, I know why I did it; if I hadn’t, Jack and the others would have been dead, too, but why was I the one to shoot out the window and pull the device apart with my bare hands? Why didn’t Jonas do it, or one of the scientists already in the testing room? Why weren’t they willing to risk their lives for their people and I was?

I know Jack was beyond pissed with me at how calmly I was explaining what was going to happen to me, but what else could I do? He didn’t want to hear how terrified I was, how badly I wanted to be held. My body was breaking down and there was nothing anyone could do to stop it. Things had been so bad between us, and I still have no idea why things went so south, but they’d been getting better. I was dying and didn’t want my best friend to worry too much. I wanted to be strong.

I was an idiot.

I should have told him that I loved him, that I did it to save him and Sam and Teal’c. That was the real reason I did it. I couldn’t bear the thought of my team dying, but especially Jack. He means as much to me as Shau’ri still does, but he’ll never know it.

I don’t mean I want to strip him down and have hot monkey sex in my office, not that that’s an unpleasant thought, but I have no idea what to do with a guy. I mean that he knew me better than anyone and still liked me. Well, he did until he didn’t anymore, but like I said, things were getting better. I’m not an easy person to get along with. I know this and accept it. I’m too smart, too driven, too opinionated, too in my head. But Jack didn’t let any of that stop him. He looked beyond it all and got to know me and I got to know him. What happened on Abydos on that first mission bonded us in a way no one but Ferretti can ever understand. He’s the most important person in my life.

When Oma offered me the chance to ascend I didn’t accept for the learning opportunity. I accepted because it gave the chance to watch over my team, to watch over Jack. If he had asked me to stay, I would have. I would have let Jacob continue with the healing device and taken my chances. But he didn’t and I let my fear of seeming weak in his eyes keep me from telling him what I needed to.

Now, as I watch Ba’al torture my best friend, I realize the full weight of the restrictions placed on me by the Others. I could obliterate Ba’al with just a thought, but if I do that then I’ll cease to be. I still have enough sense of self-preservation to want to continue to exist, but I don’t think I can let this go on much longer. Oma has found ways around their rules. I’m sure I can do the same.

I may have messed up my death by not saying what was in my heart, but I’m not going to let Jack suffer. I’ll do everything I can to help him and, maybe, he’ll finally know what he means to me.

Maybe.

-30-  



End file.
